Tuesday, September 9, 2008

so bored and cant sleep

so you cant say i didnt warn you...

Monday, September 1, 2008

and im grinding my teeth again.

i feel so overwhelmed.
i know its annoying to complain to other people so i decided to put my whining up on the internet because whoever reads it...its thier choice.

im getting in that mood again i can feel it...
the one that i get from time to time where nothings right and i get sick of myself.i cant stand it. if i could make myself not feel this way, i would. im so sick of everything and i dont even know what 'everything' is exactly. im frustrated with school, bills, friends, work, and how much time that i dont have to get everything done. the thing is that i have the time but all i have been feeling lately is tired. i feel like ive worn myself down and i dont know from what. i talk about all of these things that i have to take care of-and theyre all important-yet at the same time im still in the same spot as when i got back from georgia. i have no idea what i do with my time anymore. i miss my friends that i havent seen in forever...i feel like nothing is the same with what it used to be between us. i dont even feel like the same person sometimes. i feel so disconnected from who i used to be and i dont even know how it happened. the most frustrating part is that i dont know how to get back to feeling myself. i go out because if im home bymyself i drive myself crazy to the point where i feel like im losing it but at the same time i dont spend any time at home. i dont paint anymore, i dont write anymore, and fuck up at what little amount of important things that i have to take care of...i dont have any amanda time. i know if i set time aside that i wouldnt even do those things. i would just sleep. maybe i should go back on the medicine just til i get back to my old self because its been too long. when i get this way its not a thing i can control. its like this feeling takes me over and i feel nothing but anxious about everything. its almost been a year since i lost amanda and it seems like i dont know any other way of getting her back with out getting help because its literally breaking me down. i dont want to have pains in my jaw, sleepless nights, panic or anxiety attacks...

i just want to be myself.