Monday, December 7, 2009

i really hope

you dont end up marrying him.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

cath? or someone else

It seems that you live in someone else's dream
in a hand-me-down wedding dress
with the things that could have been are repressed
but you said your vows and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


someone please give me strength.
im going to lose it on everyone today.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

da da da dum

i feel like there has been so much wedding talk lately.
i got asked last night how i would like to be proposed to
and i felt weird even answering that question.
i have this idea in my head that i know will never happen
and ill end up getting proposed to while eating chinese food or burritos or something.
it made me realize that maybe im not as ready as i always thought i was.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

i feel bad

but i cant stand kev's dog.
i dont know what it is-i thought he was cute the night we picked him up. i dont know what happened after that. i cant stand that he climbs all over anything and everyone and does has he pleases. he obviously wasnt trained to do certain things otherwise he wouldnt jump and run on everything and people would just be able to let him out rather than tend to him every second of the day. thats just annoying.anyway, thats not the point of me writing this, the point was that i feel really bad for hating something that kevin likes so much. i know it makes him happy and thats the only thing that matters. i love kev but i cant wait til tuesday so i can get away from a lot of things that bother me in that house and im not just talking about the dog..

6 days and counting.

Monday, August 17, 2009

good grief.

i want to read old love letters from the war to see what romance used to be like.

or to see if romance even exists at all.

Friday, June 12, 2009


if anyone-or who knows of anyone- who is getting rid of an old typewriter let me know.highly interested. thanks.

typewriter tip, tip, tip.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

having the flu with nothing else to do...

lately i have been writing a lot
im not writing it down
im writing it up-
in my head

i need to start documenting everything
but im afraid to sometimes.
they always come back to haunt me later
and end up making me feel worse.

i think ive decided
im going to buy a mini journal today.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

summer is finally here:)

this week i felt like my summer has officailly started.
monday i had work super early-be in at 645am til 1pm-which isnt bad at all.
afterward i rode to meet maggie in center city. grabbed a salad, hung out in rittenhouse, and did a little shopping. i bought a hoodie at h&m which was the only thing in there that i was interested in. they have really gone downhill. i feel like its not the same as it was four years ago. after that mags and i decided to grab a drink at marathon grill. i think we moved our seats there at least three times hahaha. we made an interesting list and drank some beers then julia and veronika met up with us. they addded to it too and we ordered a table full of drinks at 6:58 so we could get all of the 5-7 happy hour prices. they were THE worst drinks i think i have ever had. they werent mixed well let alone tasted normal. i think they were trying to get us to leave by making our drinks taste like shit. ughhhhhk. we all split up and julia and i headed back to her house-drunk as a skunk- on our bikes. im glad i didnt get hit. but i had fun just talking to her and listening to mest in her basement. julia rules.

tuesday i had work again

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

My first list of lists....

List of Summer 09:

cranberry bog
crystal cave
new york
research printmakers
small painting series
weird nj/pa things
complete book of lists
fill my ritas waterice card-TWICE
find a job!!!!
bbqs in the barrons

Monday, May 18, 2009


i dont think im ready for this
i dont think im ready for this
i dont think im ready for this

but i owe it to myself.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

its feels so nice...

to be done for the semester

Sunday, May 10, 2009

just found this. its my artist proposal/statement for this past semester.

they made me mention artist names.
i sound like a freaking dork.

Senior Seminar

About seven months ago I had gone back home to my parents house to go through and clean some things when I came across a few books that I have forgotten that I have had. I had found some of my old journals from when I was younger, the earliest being from third grade. The pages were filled with receipts, birthday cards, stickers I had received from class, notes, little scraps of paper, doodles, streamers, thoughts, feelings, and anything else that I considered being meaningful enough not to throw out. Flipping through my book of treasures brought me to the realization that I keep my journal the same exact way I did from when I was a little kid. To this day, things are taped, glued, stapled, painted in the pages and make my thoughts come to life as I see them in my head. Every form of application matters. A picture is bonded with electrical tape over a heartfelt rambling that no one else is supposed to see yet some of the words stick out from this picture. The revealed and hidden words are little reminder for me of what was previously written about but interesting enough so if anyone were to pick it up, would want to question me what does that say. That night that I found my old journals I went home and paged through my more recent journals and found myself in a speechless state of an emotional distress. My old journals were kept with the intention to remember something; a moment, an event, or a feeling. However, my recent journals are on the opposite side of the spectrum and I write so I can forget.

Looking at my current journals, they are filled with everything from depression, restraining orders, heartbreak, depression, anxiety, and everything else in between the carvings. All things important that reside in my journal are there for a reason. It’s a moment in time that was able to let my emotions go on paper rather than on myself. Every form of disguised handwriting, overlapping, and subtraction means more to me than anyone else could figure out when picking it up and reading my most protected thoughts.

My journals are just the root of my artwork. I have started to translate my disorganized mess into works of art and let them take their own form. My choice of carefully selective materials and the process of which they are applied have an underlying meaning and best interpret the emotions carried throughout my writings. I feel that it makes more sense for me to used mixed media and found objects in order to stay true to my theme. For instance, there was a page in my journal that I had written specifically to one person. I had covered what I had wanted to say with only the most important words showing. I translated that into one of my art pieces by attaching a door to a box. The box was filled with the writings to that person on photo remnants with a light coming from the bottom of the box. I did things in this order so the viewer could almost see what I wrote. My artwork was not a literal conversion from what had originally inspired it, but still relayed the same message.

In my pages, there is a marriage between the colors applied to these pages and to my writings that some may call scribble. There is a sense of appropriateness in connection with the overall mood and tone of what I’m feeling that day. The color in my artwork may or may not be a reproduction of what one sees in my journal but of how I am feeling when I am making my art. I often use dark colors throughout a piece that I am creating with a proper bright color somewhere to balance out a work or just to lighten up the mood so it is not too heavy.

Art, for me, is more about the process of creation. The process is more important to me than the final product. Recently I watched a video on Jackson Pollock and how he creates his art. He crouches down over the canvas on a floor and physically lets loose. He also used different materials not only in his art, such as cigarettes, broken glass, etc., but he also uses different materials to make his art, for example, kitchen utensils. I caught a resemblance to his regarding the same way I create art and gained more of respect for him that I have a credited him to prior this discovery. I also am partial to other action painters who I feel like I share similar attributes as Willem de Kooning and Franz Klein in regards to the creation process. De Kooning uses multiple layers and takes advantage of the viscosity of the paint to achieve an impasto effect. Application plays a large part in the creation process and much like the action painters of the fifties and sixties. I apply the paint to canvas, wood, or any other material I deem fit in that moment, with a slashing and vigorous physical motion just as severe as the emotion that it is fueled by the movement. I get into this state of mind that no one but myself can release me of and then I get to work. The most heavy and inspirational music, for me, is put on and I almost drift into this place close to where I was when I originally had written in my journal. Everything is poignant while holding concentration to the feeling that I am portraying. Art is therapeutic for me. Art is what keeps me from breaking. It allows me to take all of my aggression and hurt out on something other than myself. I think that is why a lot of my art involves parts of the body, my fascination with how the body works, but not in a way that is too literal. I see it in a way of how different everyone is both inside and out; chemically more than physically; emotional diversity.
When someone asks me what I think my best work of art is, I freeze. I think of things that I have produced which I like, visually, but there are two works of art that come to mind that gives a sense of where I currently stand as an artist. One work of art that I feel like I can present is my three panel painting (?) that I completed as a part of my independent study project. I feel like that best describes where I am as an artist and where I would like to start off and continue in my works. The only other work of art that I can say that is my best work is my actual journal, which is, needless to say, never on display. I feel like these works best exhibit s who I am not only as an artist but as a person.
In thoughts of where I wanted to go as an artist in the future, and was inspired by Robert Rauschenberg and how he had taken something private and made it public when he produced “Bed”. I had thought that I am fully ready to show what lies in between my pages and ultimately what lies in my head. I wanted to break my words from the private place they were so comfortable in and used to and lay them out for everyone to see. My intentions of freedom from restriction changed slightly for me when I had to stand in front of my peers and describe what they were seeing. My legs were shaky and I could not find the right words to sum up what stood in front of them. All I kept thinking in my head were the reasons behind the journal entries and the wanting to explain them, rather than use my journal to explain my artwork. I feel like I want to explain my motivation for creating, I wanted to explain my deepest darkest secrets so my peers would understand that what they were looking at was not just a bunch of scribbles and basic problems that everyone goes through. It’s more complicated than that. I wanted to show them that I am more complicated than that. But I can’t. My wobbly legs and sweaty palms took over the quiver in my voice and I think I mumbled something along the lines of ‘personal issues’ and my art being ‘therapeutic’ for me to create. This is all true, but that whole experience was opening to me as that maybe I am not ready for people to figure me out and know my thoughts and memories.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

i keep wondering...

where ill be in a few years. i feel like over the next year im going to have to make decisions that will effect what happens years from now and that scares me. I feel like i'm not ready for anything. now thats a lie-im ready to graduate and get a fulltime -real- job. ive been ready for that for two years now. as for graduate school...maybe ill take classes while im teaching this way ill be making money and blah blah blah. i just want to get out of school at this point. someone at work told me yesterday to not have kids until im done school. i laughed because im no where near ready for kids in any/every way possible. it weird to think that i had a life plan from about the time i was 10 but nothing happened the way i planned it to be. i wish i could have a do-over from highschool on. i would have stayed away from certain people, gone to college after i graduated instead of waiting two years, and made things better between my parents.

my parents are the coolest and most of the free time i have i spend with them. the older i get, the more they are becoming my close friends which is the complete opposite of what they were six years ago. a lot of people cant believe that my parents are still together. they were married young and most of my friends parents are divorced. i cant imagine having kids at the age they did. 18 and 21...i cant even see me having kids in at least three years from now-that is if im in a a serious relationship/married/all that good stuff by then. oh man.

my head is going to explode today

Sunday, April 26, 2009

i wish i had my journal

so i could say all of the things i really want to say that i cant say online, or out loud even.

i think you'd be surprised if you opened it up to any page in there and actually read my scribbles. then you'd finally know how unhappy i really am.

Saturday, March 14, 2009


A giraffe's heart weighs arouns 23 pounds and is two feet tall.

How amazing.


Monday, March 2, 2009

im aching for a giraffe tattoo
i think i found one that i like but im always second guessing myself
i thought about drawing it myself
but whatever.
im calling tomorrow

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

i just laughed really hard at this.

it's 5:59am and i still have one more hour left of work. my eyeballs feel like thyre falling out of my head. i have a fever, one side of my face is swollen, and it is fucking freezing because im answering phones for the emergency room today and im right by the door. as sick i feel, i feel like a bitch for complaining because im staring at a room full of people who are far more worse off than me. or at least i think. so far i have seen:

a 15 year old pregnant girl who said she didn't know why she could stop 'leaking'. and was questioning if it was pee. she didnt know her water broke.
a drug addict basketball player, or so he kept telling me, whose foot was feeling soft like a sponge.
a homeless guy sleeping.
and a room full of people who it looks like theyre in the worst pain of their lives or people who look like theyre in the best shape of their life.
it wasnt so bad but i wish i was back in my normal spot. behind a nice warm desk by myself. these people back here were complaining all night about everyone else that works here. who cares. why spend so much time complaining about other people. yeah work sucks and sometimes the people that you work with suck but dont waste more time complaining...go youtube david after the dentist or something.

ps just rewatched that video and i laughed really hard outloud.

i think im slowly losing my mind.
i feel like the left side of my face is swollen. i think my sideburn piercing if getting infected under my skin. it hurts so bad. wtfff. what a stupid thing. why did i even get this thing. a wasted $90.

game night tomorrow.funnnn
pot luck and game night is even better but i can settle just for some games.
and thursday class all day. printmaking and senior seminar.
any thoughts about friday?

ok im going to stop now.
too sleepyyyyy


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

i miss when i was oblivious

ive been doing nothing but thinking lately
to the point where im driving myself insane.
im not happy where i am with most things and im confused about what it is exactly i want to get out of my life. im frustrated that im still in school. financially its a burden and i just want to get it out of the way so i can just start my life.
i keep thinking that i want a family soon because i feel like im getting old-when really i know im not that old...but i am not where near stable enough, financially or romantically?, prepared for a child. i think its the whole-i dont want to have kids to late-i shouldnt even be talking about this. i guess i feel like that i have always imagined things on a time lime and now that things are different from what i had planned from an early age isnt panning out to be the way i had imagined...i dont know. im rambling.
im frustrated with my friends. im going through that stage where...i figure that some friends are better left at arms length otherwise you can get sucked into bad things. its weird for me that i actually realize that i like being by myself but then again i hate it at the same time. actually i think i really hate it. i think too too much to the point where i end up doing freaking out to the degree where i have grind my teeth down an unhealthy amount.

it bothers me that i can never be alone.

im contemplating if i am really happy. if im happy enough to continue being so reliant on one person. in fact im not happy that i am so reliant on one person.

i need to break free and have my own life too at which i am no good at doing.
i think for me thats the most depressing part...i have come to realize that this is how i am. i rely on other people too much. to do things for me, to occupy my time...i have been this way for years and finally i realize this now and want to change it but i have become so comfortable in that kind of situation that im almost passive-like, i know that even though i have come to this realization that this is who i am and what i do, that ill attempt to change it for about a week and go back to my daily routine. this probably doenst make any sense at all because im jumping from one thought to another in my head but only have time to type one thing at a time.
right now, current thought...i think i have tmj thanks to my grinding.
so painful

i want to stop thinking about things.
even if it just stops for five minutes.
i want to stop worrying.
i want to not feel less overwhelmed.

my jaw hurts.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

things i enjoy.


last two were for lawl.

and one for you<3.

Friday, January 2, 2009

christmas eve and christmas was really nice.
i went back to nj for a few days and hung with the family and played lots of trouble.
and although i didn't think i had anything to do, i ended up running around more than what i wanted to but being home with nat john and my rents was a lot of fun.