Wednesday, January 28, 2009

i miss when i was oblivious

ive been doing nothing but thinking lately
to the point where im driving myself insane.
im not happy where i am with most things and im confused about what it is exactly i want to get out of my life. im frustrated that im still in school. financially its a burden and i just want to get it out of the way so i can just start my life.
i keep thinking that i want a family soon because i feel like im getting old-when really i know im not that old...but i am not where near stable enough, financially or romantically?, prepared for a child. i think its the whole-i dont want to have kids to late-i shouldnt even be talking about this. i guess i feel like that i have always imagined things on a time lime and now that things are different from what i had planned from an early age isnt panning out to be the way i had imagined...i dont know. im rambling.
im frustrated with my friends. im going through that stage where...i figure that some friends are better left at arms length otherwise you can get sucked into bad things. its weird for me that i actually realize that i like being by myself but then again i hate it at the same time. actually i think i really hate it. i think too too much to the point where i end up doing freaking out to the degree where i have grind my teeth down an unhealthy amount.

it bothers me that i can never be alone.

im contemplating if i am really happy. if im happy enough to continue being so reliant on one person. in fact im not happy that i am so reliant on one person.

i need to break free and have my own life too at which i am no good at doing.
i think for me thats the most depressing part...i have come to realize that this is how i am. i rely on other people too much. to do things for me, to occupy my time...i have been this way for years and finally i realize this now and want to change it but i have become so comfortable in that kind of situation that im almost passive-like, i know that even though i have come to this realization that this is who i am and what i do, that ill attempt to change it for about a week and go back to my daily routine. this probably doenst make any sense at all because im jumping from one thought to another in my head but only have time to type one thing at a time.
right now, current thought...i think i have tmj thanks to my grinding.
so painful

i want to stop thinking about things.
even if it just stops for five minutes.
i want to stop worrying.
i want to not feel less overwhelmed.

my jaw hurts.

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